The Horror of Cochlear Implants, Part 1

Bring up the subject of cochlear implants in a substantial Deaf group, and I guarantee you someone will cite a laundry list of things that you (supposedly) can’t do with implants. These include, but are not limited to:

  • swimming
  • showering
  • sky-diving
  • snorkeling
  • sportsing

Funny that. I’ve had a cochlear implant since I was ten, and I’ve done all of these things, most of them on a regular basis. Hell, I’ve studied various martial arts (read: gotten my ass kicked by old men) for over a decade now, and a good chunk of that entailed full-contact sparring.

Now, to be fair, I cannot do most of these with the external processor on, because water/high-impact pressure + expensive electronic equipment = bad. My internal cochlear implant bits, however, will be fine, barring a freak accident.

Here is what I cannot do, per my cochlear implant manufacturer’s recommendations– and bear in mind the internal parts for my particular implant are over fifteen years old by now, so modern models will most likely not have the same issues:

  • Scuba dive deeper than 30 feet.
  • MRIs. If I need an MRI done, I’d have to have the implant surgically removed first, get the MRI, then be re-implanted.
  • Play with static electricity. What this means is that McDonald’s ball pits are out for me unless I take off my external processor. (This is mostly because a static electricity shock directly to the processor carries a risk of wiping out my implant’s mapping, so I would have to go back to the audiologist to get it reprogrammed. Inconvenient, but entirely fixable.)
  • Play with any kind of electricity, like that one hand dryer in the bathroom that buzzes when you touch it. Touching it probably won’t break my implant, but it will earn me a very stern lecture from my mother and my audiologist.
  • Play with Van de Graaff generators.  This is my greatest post-implant sorrow.
vandegraafhair

Thanks to Advanced Bionics, I can never attain David Bowie hair without copious gel. Monsters.

Many of these misconceptions come from seriously outdated information. From what I recall from researching this in college, apparently the earliest cochlear implants did entail an open hole in the skull, which naturally restricted several activities like swimming and showering. That said, this hasn’t been applicable past the 1980s, if not earlier. I assure you I do not have a hole in my head.

Even if a cochlear implant barred me from activities like skydiving or snorkeling, I’d still consider the trade-off pretty damn good for increased access to an auditory world. The thing is, I see sound as additive, not subtractive. It’s like this: on a daily basis, I can better communicate with hearing people and mitigate the need for accommodations– not 100%, but it definitely helps fill in the gaps when lipreading. I can also enjoy music more fully; hear warning sounds; and experience those funny little sounds that hearing aids alone couldn’t pick up, like my cat purring, or trees creaking, or waves crashing.

None of that takes away my ability to use sign language or participate in Deaf culture. And yes, plenty of d/hh people get through life just fine without these things. Chances are I would be fine, too. But I still wouldn’t forgo all of that just so I could cross “deep-sea scuba diving” off my bucket list.

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